My favorite ways to gain insight into a conflict
How I form “provisional theories” that can influence the trajectory of a conflict.
When I mediate and coach, I repeatedly ask myself, What is happening here? Why? What might help? I ask myself these questions to form provisional theories about the conflict and use those guesses to guide my next steps.
A provisional theory is a temporary, informal, possible explanation for what’s happening. It’s a draft story about how and why the conflict has occurred.
I call them “provisional theories” because they are experimental and subject to change. I hold onto a theory only as long as it seems like it might help. If it doesn’t, I move on. One of my teachers used to say, Hold on tightly and let go lightly, meaning, commit to exploring the idea and then be willing to let it go.
This is important for understanding the quest for fresh insight into a conflict. When I used to teach Principles of Conflict Analysis to graduate students, I liked to say that a theory is only as good as its usefulness. I would share this quote from a classic conflict theory textbook:
A common question that misses the point is this: What is the best perspective or theory for examining conflict? This is analogous to a novice chess player asking a grand master, ‘What is the best chess move?’
In a recent advanced mediation workshop, a participant asked me how I form these provisional theories. She asked, Where do they come from?
How I form provisional theories of a conflict
There are many possible routes to forming provisional theories, and I helped the mediators in the workshop explore several of them. Here’s a bit of what we discussed and tried out.
First, let me say that theories we find attractive and theories we dismiss are influenced by who and how we are in the world. Our cultures, beliefs, principles, and personal histories all play a role in the theories we consider, adopt, or reject. A provisional theory that I form might not occur to you, and vice versa.
One route is to rely on theories that have been useful to us in the past. It is my least favorite method because I fear it is a path to stagnation, which can obscure other ways to understand what’s happening. It’s also a mismatch with my personality. As André Gide wrote, “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
Another route to forming provisional theories is to rely on theoretical frameworks developed by others: psychology theory, game theory, decision theory, behavioral economics theory, conflict theory, leadership theory, and so on. It is helpful to read and listen widely about how people tick, particularly if you mediate professionally or as a leader. There is a lot of brilliance out there.
Yet another path is to rely on questions that kindle fresh insight and then use those insights to form a provisional theory. A few years ago, I shared some of my favorite insight-prompting questions in my online QueryCards. Many of you have written to tell me that those questions have jolted you into a new understanding of your own conflict or that you have adopted them in your own conflict resolution work.
Then there’s the spark provided by others’ creative work. For decades, I’ve maintained a collection of conflict resolution quotes, and I find myself skimming it when I’m trying to illuminate a problem. For example, here are three few quotes that rattle around in my brain and have sparked many a provisional theory:
1
When elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers.
I can’t think of this proverb without then wondering, what is the grass being trampled during this conflict? If this leads me to invite the participants to reflect on the impact of their conflict on others, it is because I have temporarily theorized that drawing their attention to the big picture — perhaps the damage done to their child or to their careers — will increase their motivation to find a resolution.
This quote reminds me to re-think the nature of conflict. If, for instance, I am coaching someone convinced their nemesis is ruining their life at work, I might invite them to reflect on ways the problem is an opportunity to demonstrate their leadership skills. This would have arisen from the provisional theory that how we view a problem determines how we react.
I came across this quote only months ago and fell in love with it. Perhaps that's because, in a few brilliant words, the poet captured my theory that took an entire book to explore: We have the power to satisfyingly address our conflicts without having to rely on the other person changing their behavior.
Over to you
Here are some reflection / journaling / conversation / comment prompts for your consideration:
How do you form your provisional theories when facing a problem? Where do they come from?
Is there someone whose work has informed your thinking and work with conflict? What was it about their work that resonated with you?
If you’re drawn to the idea of using quotes to spark fresh insights, explore my repository of conflict resolution quotations. Do any particularly draw your attention? How might you use them to gain insight into a conflict?
Thank you for this really insightful article with so many useful links. It's particularly useful for reflective practice as well as in conflict resolution.