Acknowledging the snake under the rug
We don't need to accept every invitation to an argument, but when we avoid or suppress disagreement about something important, we risk it becoming like a snake under the rug.
Once upon a time, a rug merchant noticed that his most precious antique rug had a large bump in the center. He stepped on the bump to flatten it out—and succeeded. But the bump reappeared in a new spot not far away. He jumped on the bump, and it disappeared for a moment, then emerged once more in a new place. Again and again, he jumped, scuffing and mangling the fragile rug in his frustration. Finally, an assistant lifted one corner of the rug, and an angry snake slithered out.
I first ran across this story years ago in a book by famed systems thinker Peter Senge. I’ve told the story to hundreds of audiences over the years, and there are always many nods of rueful recognition. We’ve seen a snake or two under our own rugs.
Disagreement can become one of those snakes. We figuratively step on the disagreement when we avoid or smooth over dissent. Yet when a matter is important to the dissenter — for whatever reason, whether we value their reason or not — it doesn’t simply dissolve. Like the snake, it moves to a different place.
The new location may be literal, such as the matter coming up next in the committee meeting room. The new place may be figurative, as when the matter keeps showing up in other conversations or as a weapon when bickering, or when the smoothed-over issue becomes the source of intense frustration and anger.
Of course, not every little disagreement deserves time and attention. We don’t need to accept every invitation to an argument.
It’s the important ones that grow into snakes if left unattended. Important to us, or important to them. Even when we don’t care, if they do, it will keep moving around under the rug.
How do we know which are the important ones?
Sometimes, we don’t know immediately, but the subject keeps returning. We can look deeply then — what is being missed? If they’re bringing it back up, we don’t need to be mind readers; we can ask, What have I missed? or What about that is important to you?
Sometimes, the awareness creeps up on us. We realize that the argument about money and the argument about chores turn out to be, at a deeper level, about the same thing. Or the frustration over missed deadlines and follow-through. Or the sense of being marginalized or disenfranchised. It finally dawns on us that these are snakes under the rug.
Sometimes, we know right away in our hearts, minds, or guts that it’s important, but we set it aside because it feels too hard or too raw or the wrong time or place. Those temporary set-asides are reasonable as long as our avoidance doesn’t cause them to grow into bigger snakes.
At some point, we can choose to lift the corner of the rug and let it come to light.
What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are. – Rainer Maria Rilke
Over to you
Journal, conversation, or comment prompt #1: What snake is lurking under the rug at work or home?
Related questions for going deeper:
Have you tried to deal with the disagreement?
If not, why not? What do you fear will happen?
If so, why do you think it’s still a snake under the rug? What was missed or left unaddressed?