How to deal with stonewalling
Look for the underlying message in this frustrating dynamic at work or home
Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but the other person is stonewalling? Start by understanding how the present circumstances may be driving the behavior.
They're refusing to discuss something that's important to you or keep putting off the conversation. They walk out in the middle of a discussion. They stay in the conversation but withdraw and communicate minimally. You keep reaching out after an argument, and they don't return your calls or texts.
These are examples of stonewalling, the withdrawal from a conversation or refusal to communicate. It is a choice or a habit intended to end or inhibit a conversation.
The problem with stonewalling
Stonewalling creates problems in personal and professional relationships:
When stonewalling becomes a habit in a relationship, even small issues can spiral out of control quickly.
Certain topics can seem "off limits" when stonewalling is the default reaction, leaving important problems unaddressed.
Stonewalling can create an unhealthy "call and response" pattern in a relationship, where one person stonewalls and the other is left to figure out a way around the wall.
Stonewalling escalates conflict when disagreements don't get sufficiently resolved or because the person being stonewalled grows increasingly frustrated and angry.
And perhaps the most insidious of all: Stonewalling leaves the recipient feeling powerless to resolve the problem, which can lead to intense frustration. The person doing the stonewalling seems calm and cool, while the recipient seems emotional and angry. What looks like an "anger problem" in one is actually a "stonewalling problem" by the other.
How to deal with stonewalling
I find it helpful to differentiate situation-driven stonewalling from habit-driven stonewalling. These are my own terms to remind me that not all stonewalling is driven by the desire to thwart someone's goals (habit-driven). Some of it -- maybe a lot of it in conflict conversations -- is caused by the circumstances of the moment (situation-driven).
If someone's stonewalling is prompted by current circumstances, then we have a good chance of being able to address it.
First: Avoid accusatory statements like "Stop stonewalling me" or "You're stonewalling me again." That's just throwing fuel on a fire because it's accusatory and will increase their defensiveness. This will distract you from your real goal -- to find more fruitful ways to deal with stone walls.
Second: Resist "psychologizing" them. Set aside your guesses about the psychological causes of the stonewalling. In many situations, it won't matter one iota. Too many people get distracted by pop-psych diagnosing and miss the situation-based opportunities.
Third: Take a step back and get more information about why they don't want to have or continue the conversation. Instead of making it about what they're doing to you (thwarting what you want), make it about what they need. This may feel undeserved, but that's ok. Consider it a gift you're giving, one that can ultimately help you get a gift in return, the continued conversation about something important to you.
If you see Step 3 through, you will discover that
Stonewalling may not be motivated by wanting to thwart you, but by an unstated need of theirs that you have the power to help address if you know about it.
Needs like these:
The underlying message: I'm not ready.
What to understand: They need more time to digest what happened, calm down, think things through, etc. Pressuring the other person into talking about a problem before they're ready means they're unlikely to bring their best self to the conversation. That's not going to serve either of you well when you're trying to talk about something that's difficult. Readiness lives on a continuum.
What to do: Give them some initial space. Later, ask them to return to the conversation. If they balk, ask what they need in order for the conversation to happen.
The underlying message: I can't do this right now.
What to understand: They have something else pressing on their agenda, or your location isn't a good one for this. The right time and place for a difficult conversation contribute to its success, so it makes a lot of sense to postpone temporarily.
What to do: Ask when it would be more convenient to discuss the matter and identify a mutually agreeable time and location. If they won't commit to a time, this may not be the real reason for avoiding the conversation, and you'll need to try to get more information.
The underlying message: It's not my problem.
What to understand: They see the problem as yours alone or, at least, not about them. As long as you have a problem that's going to weigh on you, however, they also have a problem because your problem will continue to influence your interactions with them. They may not realize this.
What to do: Let them know that as long as you see there's a problem, you believe that things will be strained (uncomfortable, awkward, tense---whatever adjective is right for you). So, even if they don't believe the problem is connected to them, you hope they'll understand that time spent now will probably save energy and frustration. Find out more about how to do this at How to Navigate the 'Not My Problem' Problem.
The underlying message: It'll make things worse.
What to understand: They're afraid the conversation will be messy or cause relationship damage. Difficult conversations can get messy, so don't promise them yours won't. Instead, think together about how to minimize the messiness.
What to do: Invite them to tell you what you can each do to minimize the messiness. Think together about how to "fractionate" the conversation into smaller, more manageable topics. Agree on how you'll each call for a pause in the conversation if it feels like it's getting too messy.
The underlying message: We've covered this ground before.
What to understand: This is the conversation that just won't end, and they're weary of it. Some problems do keep coming up in our important relationships, and after a while, it does seem that putting more time in isn't going to lead anywhere new. One common reason this happens is that you're solving the wrong problem.
What to do: Use this question to make sure you're solving the same meaningful problem. Avoid getting trapped in the 'real issue' black hole, though. Without blaming, discuss why past efforts to solve the problem have failed and what might change that outcome.
What if it's habit-driven stonewalling?
If you've done your homework and truly checked in with them to see if the stonewalling is prompted by needs like those above, and you suspect that the stonewalling is more habit- than situation-driven, what can you do?
It's time for a meta-conversation. A meta-conversation is a conversation about the conversation. In this case, it's time for a conversation about the behavior that's troubling you, with the goal of figuring out together how to prevent the behavior from derailing future discussions about important matters.
Some considerations:
Set aside a separate time for the meta-conversation. Don't try to have it right after you've experienced stonewalling. It's helpful for everyone to be in a better state of mind.
It will be more helpful to describe the behavior and your experience than to slap the stonewalling label on it.
As with situation-driven stonewalling, it's helpful to adopt a learning stance instead of a telling stance. Your goal isn't to tell them that they stonewall and you want it to stop, but to explore together the experience you each had and what can change to make future conversations better.
Keep in mind that your conclusion could be wrong. Maybe it's primarily habit-driven, maybe it isn't. We almost always contribute in some way or another when a conversation goes south.
Here are some examples of meta-conversations about stonewalling:
Explore what's going on for them when they abruptly end or disengage emotionally from a difficult conversation, and what you can do about it together.
Discuss the ways that reticence to engage in conversations about important matters can damage the relationship and how you want to ensure that vital conversations get their due.
If your frustration about their stonewalling has left them believing you have an anger problem, discuss the ways that stonewalling leaves you feeling powerless, how powerlessness leads to anger, and ways each of you can take responsibility for changing that dynamic.
Over to you
Think of someone whose stonewalling frustrates you. If you want to understand what is making them reticent to have the conversation with you, how can word it?
Are there situations in which find yourself stonewalling? Would you say it’s habit-driven or situation-driven?
Elsewhere
I found these interesting and/or helpful and thought you might, too:
​'Gaslighting' is a commonly misused therapy buzzword. Here's what it really means​
"Some people weaponize psychological terms like gaslighting when others simply do something they don’t like, which is wrong." (Stonewalling and gaslighting are not the same, by the way.)
​A neuroscientist reveals the untapped solution to create better working relationships​
"When you can listen to topics that make you feel anxious or uninterested, you can come to know a person more completely."
​New research sheds light on the connection between mindfulness and reduced relationship conflict​
"There are many ways to adapt individual mindfulness strategies for a couple, so I would encourage all those in romantic relationships to consider finding ways to improve how mindful they are with their partner specifically. This is especially relevant for those who struggle with conflict in their romantic relationships."
Take care of each other,
Tammy
Thanks for reading
You can get more ways to disagree better by subscribing. I’m new to Substack but I’ve been doing, teaching, and writing about conflict resolution for nearly 25 years. Please join us: