Discovering and managing conflict hooks, part 2
An exercise to help you identify your conflict hooks and increase emotional agility during difficult interactions.
In Part 1, I wrote that perceived threats to our identity — how we see ourselves in the world and wish others to see us — can snag our attention and heighten our emotions during conflict. One way to increase our emotional agility is to build awareness of these “conflict hooks” so that we notice them snagging us and can neutralize their impact.
WHAT IS A CONFLICT HOOK?
A conflict hook is a part of your identity that has become snagged by a perceived insult or threat to the way you see yourself, causing conflict or escalating it.
Six common conflict hooks
Competence: We get hooked when we perceive that someone is questioning our intelligence or skills.
Inclusion: We get hooked when someone appears to be excluding us in some way (from a group, an event, a committee, etc.) or implies we’re not a good companion.
Autonomy: We get hooked when someone appears to be trying to control us, impose on us, or threaten our self-reliance.
Reliability: We get hooked when we perceive that someone is questioning our trustworthiness or dependability.
Integrity: We get hooked when someone appears to be questioning our moral values or integrity.
Status: We get hooked when we perceive that someone is threatening or disparaging our tangible or intangible assets, including power, position, economic worth, and attractiveness.
Sometimes, you can identify your conflict hooks just by reading the list—you see yourself in one or two.
Other times, it may take a deeper dive into your experiences to uncover what hooks you. I designed the following exercise years ago to take that deeper dive. It takes about 30 minutes, and you’ll need either a pen and paper or a device on which you can type or write.
The exercise
Part 1: Identifying what throws you
You’re going to begin by selecting two situations and teasing out what threw you off balance (made you angry, upset, flustered, worried, etc) in them.
Identify two different situations when you felt angered, insulted, or mistreated in some way. They can be current or past situations. Each should involve a single other person, and each should involve a different person than the other scenario.
For each of the two scenarios, write down the specific thing they said or did that bothered you as best you can recall. Don’t write down your interpretation—write down what they said or did.
Next, identify why what they said or did bothered you. What was the underlying message you heard or assumed in what they said or did? For example, if you wrote that you were angered that they took credit for your idea, why did that make you angry? Maybe you heard that your contribution didn’t matter. Perhaps you felt excluded. Maybe you worried your boss wouldn’t realize you have good ideas too. Don’t worry about whether you should have been bothered or whether other people would also have been bothered. Don’t attach judgment; just identify.
Part 2: Exploring what throws you
One way to understand conflict is that it occurs when something important feels threatened or insulted.
Conflict can be a messenger, and the things you dwell on are hints about the source of your unease and reaction.
In this part of the exercise, you will look for any patterns in what you tend to dwell on during or after difficult interactions.
Do the two situations have anything in common? For instance, do they occur in similar conditions or circumstances (in public, private, committee meetings, etc.) or similar settings (at home, at work, at your parent’s house, etc.)?
Are the persons involved similar in their relationship to you (someone you report to, someone who reports to you, a close friend or relative, etc.), or is there a certain type of person involved (someone you find arrogant, someone you believe is a bully, someone you consider a liar, etc.)?
Are there patterns in what the other person said or did that threw you off balance? For instance, did you notice something similar about their body language, tone of voice, voice volume, attitude? Did they say similar kinds of things?
Now look at why you were bothered by their words or actions. Are there patterns in what you heard–the messages you heard in their words or actions? Did you experience similar insults, threats, fears, or challenges from them? Were there patterns in the kinds of things that ate at you afterward?
Tip: If you don’t uncover any patterns, rest with it and let your mind ponder this part in the background. Alternatively, go back to Part 1 and add a third situation. This gives you more data to consider as you look for patterns.
Part 3: Naming what throws you
In this part, you’ll try putting a name or label on what hooked you. The label is simply a mental shortcut for future use.
Look back through any patterns you identified in Part 2, particularly patterns in why you were bothered. Do any of those patterns point to any conflict hooks in the list at the beginning of this article? We can experience face-loss related to any of the six hooks, though many of us have one or two dominant hooks.
Are there things that snagged you that don’t seem to fall into any of the six categories? As I said in Part 1 of this article, it probably isn’t terribly important whether or not what hooks you is “on the list.” It matters more that you figure out your own hooks — by whatever label — and identify ways to manage them.
Next steps
I’ve heard from countless readers, students, and clients that identifying conflict hooks prompts greater emotional agility because we now recognize what to watch for in ourselves. This gives us a new way to understand the identity quake we’re experiencing. This new information about ourselves enables us to sidestep some perceived insults and reduce conflict in our lives. It also helps us focus more clearly on what’s at the heart of the matter in relationship and workplace conflict.
Some people find it fruitful to explore the roots of their conflict hooks because understanding the origins of the hooks helps neutralize their power. If that interests you, I recommend Beyond Blame by psychologist Jeffrey Kottler; Kottler will walk you through a series of personal explorations.
Another way to explore conflict hooks more deeply, along with habits and methods for managing them, is through my book, The Conflict Pivot. The book’s companion worksheet, freely available in English, Spanish, and French on my website, helps you figure out what your conflict hooks are telling you about a conflict you’re facing.
If you’re interested in in-depth work on conflict hooks and emotional agility for yourself (or for an employee), consider hiring me as your coach. It’s one of the focus areas I most enjoy in the coaching portion of my conflict management work.
Questions about conflict hooks or the exercise? I love hearing from readers: