How to express a concern without making things worse
These three strategic "soft starts" help us raise an issue for discussion without putting them on the defensive. They help us be assertive without tripping into aggressiveness.
When I ask clients why they let a problem go on for so long before raising it, a common reply is, “I was afraid I’d create more conflict by bringing it up.” It’s an understandable fear. Here are three tried-and-true ways to raise an issue for discussion without making matters worse.
When we are concerned about someone else’s behavior, we weigh whether or not it’s worth raising. Will they push back? Will things get uncomfortable? Could a delicate peace with them get shattered? Will they think badly of me? Will they hold a grudge? Will it make any difference anyway?
These are understandable questions to ponder. They’re also the stuff of rumination, the mental chewing over of worries that not only raises anxiety but also lures us into inaction. For recurring or frustrating problems, inaction doesn’t work very well.
The soft start
A great alternative to endless rumination is raising a concern with a soft start. A soft start is a way to introduce a concern without blame, judgment, or attack.
Soft starts yield better results than hard starts because they’re assertive without being aggressive.
Here’s an example of a hard start: “Stop interrupting me.”
And here’s an example of a soft start: “I’d like to finish my thought before you respond. Thanks for hanging on just a moment more.”
Notice that the soft start is still direct but conveys respect and politeness on our part. Whether we think they deserve our respect or not, by using a soft start, they cannot fault us for using an aggressive tone or approach.
Here are three of my favorite soft starts for raising a concern in a way that they’re more likely to be willing to stay in conversation:
Soft start 1: Say what you’re seeing and check it out
This soft start strategy uses transparency to make an observation, along with curiosity to make the observation non-judgmental. It makes use of a two-part phrase:
“Here’s what I’m noticing…and here’s what I’m wondering…”
“Here’s what I’m noticing” is a kind and straightforward way to be transparent about what’s on our mind. Done in an amiable tone, it doesn’t come across as a diagnosis or harsh judgment but as something we’re wondering out loud and willing to have disproved.
“Here’s what I’m wondering” is the natural extension of what we’re noticing. The best kind of wondering with this strategy is wondering what’s going on for them, wondering if we’ve missed (or misunderstood) something, or wondering how we can help.
Here’s an example: “I’m noticing several deadlines have slipped by recently. I’m wondering if everything’s ok for you…?”
Soft start 2: Describe your experience instead of your interpretation
When we lead with our conclusion, we set ourselves up for push-back. If our conclusion is wrong, they will naturally push back to prove it. And if our conclusion hits the mark, they may still push back to protect themselves.
Leading with our conclusions sounds like this: “You’re so critical all the time.”
When we lead with our experience, though, we speak only about ourselves in relation to them instead of about them.
Leading with our experience sounds like this: “I’ve been feeling criticized a lot lately, and I’m realizing it’s making me pull away from you. I don’t want that.”
I can disagree with your opinion, it turns out, but I can’t disagree with your experience. And once I have a sense of your experience, you and I are in relationship, acknowledging the complexity in each other’s position, listening less guardedly.
Krista Tippett, journalist
Soft start 3: Communicate impact instead of intention
When we conflate impact and intention, the concern we’re trying to raise will likely get tangled in their defensiveness.
Conflating impact and intention means to assume that one necessarily explains the other. Bad impact on us? It must have been bad intention on their part. Good intention on our part? Then let’s dismiss the bad impact on them because we meant well. These thinking errors are known as “fundamental attribution errors.”
It sounds like this when we conflate impact and intention: “You must really enjoy making me do two jobs while you drift in late every morning.”
When we communicate the impact only, it sounds like this: “I’m struggling to get everything done when I’m also trying to pinch-hit to help you out.”
Over to you
Journal, conversation, or comment prompt: Think of an ongoing situation or problem you’ve hesitated to raise. Get a picture of it in your head. Then:
What is behind your hesitation? What do you worry will or won’t happen?
Imagine you were going to approach the person to discuss the problem. Which of the three soft start strategies might work best for you?
Put that soft start into words. What might it sound like coming out of your mouth?