How to transform gravity problems in conflict resolution
Gravity problems make conflict resolution difficult. Here’s how to recognize gravity problems when you see them, why they’re troublesome, and how to prevent them from hijacking resolution.
It’s a gorgeous day, and you’re out on your mountain bike. You’re enjoying the time outdoors and getting a decent workout. What a day!
The trail begins to slope uphill. You glance up. The hill continues up for as far as you can see. Uh oh.
You work that slope for all it’s worth. The longer you climb, the harder it is. Eventually, you’re barely moving, and there’s still a lot of hill left ahead of you. You stop and stand there, looking up the long hill.
“That damn gravity,” you say to yourself. “It’s such a problem, slowing me down like this. Somebody needs to do something about it.”
Management consultant and Stanford University lecturer Dave Evans refers to these as gravity problems.
Gravity problems are problems you can’t do anything about because they’re just reality, like gravity.
You can fight gravity all you want on that hill, but you’re not going to change gravity. Your only choice is to accept it, even if you don’t like it.
Gravity problems, says Evans, are frustrating because they’re not actionable:
If you can’t do anything about it, if it’s not actionable, it’s not a problem; it’s a circumstance.
If you can’t change gravity, or can defy it only through immense effort, then you must find the problem you can solve.
Perhaps the problem you can solve is one of these: How to get more fit. How to strengthen your leg muscles. How to improve your body’s oxygen efficiency. Where to find less hilly mountain biking trails.
You may not love the solutions to these problems. But they will get you somewhere that trying to fix gravity won’t.
Gravity problems and conflict
Conflict is full of gravity problems. They sound like this:
He’s so passive-aggressive. How can I get him to stop?
I just want them to see me like the adult I am.
We need her to care more about the detail parts of her job.
How can I get them to see I’m right?
How can I get them to be less conflict-avoidant?
The challenge with framing problems this way is that you’re setting yourself up for an exasperating battle.
Could you solve any of these problems? Sure. After all, they’re not pure gravity. People do change, after all.
But it’s challenging to persuade someone to change simply because you want them to. Gravity problems in conflict situations are no different than “regular” gravity problems:
You’re trying to change a circumstance when you’re better off solving an actionable problem instead.
Reframing gravity problems
Suppose your quest is to transform someone you believe to be conflict-averse into someone who willingly confronts conflict when you wish. In that case, your solutions may have to be incremental (so it will be a long game), coercive (which can damage the relationship or your reputation), or even manipulative, unless they’re genuinely interested in becoming less conflict-averse.
Instead of fighting gravity, you could accept that it may be in their nature to be conflict-avoidant. Then you can reframe a circumstance that bugs you into an actionable problem you can solve, like this:
1. Determine what problem the circumstance causes for you.
In our example, you’d ask, What problem does their conflict avoidance create? Maybe it’s one of these:
After a disagreement, you can’t get them to sit down and talk things out.
You can’t tell if they’re really ok with a decision or just avoiding a difficult conversation.
It leaves you (and maybe others) wondering if they’re happy in the job.
Let’s work with the first possibility: You can’t get them to sit down and talk things out after a disagreement. This is a frustrating problem if you’re someone who likes to clear the air and settle things.
It’s tempting to run with this problem reframe. It doesn’t seem like a gravity problem, after all, because it’s actionable: How to get them to sit down and talk things out after a disagreement.
2. Make sure the new problem you’ve identified isn’t a gravity problem in disguise.
Getting someone to sit down and talk things out after a disagreement is a gravity problem in disguise, because your solution (getting them to talk about it with you) doesn’t accept that it may be in their nature to be conflict-avoidant. Instead, it pushes them to go against their nature because you want them to.
Occasionally, that works. But you’ve read this far because mostly, it doesn’t.
You’re back, then, to solutions that are incremental, coercive, or manipulative — and which may be very long in coming to fruition.
3. Ask what problem the newly identified problem creates for you.
What problem is created for you when they won’t sit down and talk things out? Perhaps it’s one of these:
It’s challenging to address disagreements when they avoid discussing them.
Tension can build up and conflict escalate if there’s not a reliable way to talk things out with them.
It’s difficult to solve problems or make good decisions without their input, feedback, or participation.
Now you’re getting somewhere. These problems don’t fight gravity — they accept that it may be in his nature to avoid conflict. They don’t require them to change their nature to address things that are frustrating to you.
Better yet, they reveal the problems you're experiencing, which until now were buried beneath accusations and demands that they change something potentially fundamental about themselves.
4. Frame it in problem-solving terms.
Take your problem statement and turn it into an actionable problem with a simple language change:
It's challenging to address disagreements when they avoid discussing them ==> How to resolve disagreements when they don’t wish to discuss them.
Tension can build up and conflict escalate if there's not a reliable way to talk things out with them. ==> How to prevent ongoing tension and conflict in situations when they're involved.
It's difficult to solve problems or make good decisions without their input, feedback, or participation. ==> How to get their input, feedback, or participation for team decisions.
You've now changed a "here's what's wrong with you, please change" conversation into a "let's figure out how to navigate this together" conversation. This will be more palatable for them and help you both explore options that would have been invisible in the "please change" version.
Over to you
Here are reflection / journaling / conversation prompts for your consideration:
What gravity problem do you face or have recently faced?
What problems do those circumstances cause for you? Create a short list.
Now look at your list. Are all of the problems actionable? Or are some of them still gravity problems in disguise? Rework your list.
Now, turn your list of actionable problems into problem frames. It can be helpful to use language like “How to…” and “What to do about…”
Do any of these reframes offer you new insight into how to make progress in solving your gravity problem? How so?
Thanks Tammy - I love this and have never thought about these situations like this before. So helpful and such a great reframe :).
Love this analogy. Thank you