Introducing the disagree better project

Let's disagree without the damage

The way we disagree has a ripple effect on the health of our relationships, the success of our careers, the extent of our influence, and the caliber of our decisions. When we disagree better we can accomplish remarkable things.

When we say we don't like conflict, we often mean that we don't like the ordeal that discord can inflict: How it makes us feel. The way it makes us look to others. The time and energy it consumes. The way it keeps us stuck or alienates us from people who are vital to us at work and home.

But conflict has value: Friction can spark fresh insights and ideas. A clash of ideas can prompt better solutions and higher-caliber decisions. Debate helps us get clearer on our thinking and see things from other perspectives. Conflict -- done well -- can even strengthen a relationship (yes, there's research on this).

So, how do we avoid the harmful parts of conflict without suppressing disagreement, dissent, and debate? That's what the Disagree Better Project is all about.

Holding the space for us to explore together

I'm trying to do a few essential things with the Project:

Share credible information about effectively navigating friction and tension at work and home, sourced from trustworthy research and my two decades as a professional mediator and conflict resolution teacher. I started my conflict resolution newsletter 25 years ago, and this kind of information has always been a centerpiece. It will continue and, I hope, be enhanced by my move to Substack.

Explore concrete ways to solve problems without damaging vital relationships. Unlike mediators whose work focuses on helping people separate their lives (such as divorce or separation from work), my focus has always been on conflict between people who will continue to live and work together. This will continue to be the point of what you find here.

Help translate insight into practice. It’s one thing to grasp an idea and another to have something useful come out of our mouths when it matters most. I was a college dean and professor before I was a mediator and I've always come at conflict from an educator's frame of reference. How do we narrow or close the gap between knowing and doing? I've been chewing over this question for a long while, and the move to Substack is largely driven by the need for a place with the right tools (all in one place) to work on this with you.

Hold the space to learn from and with you. While I was donating blood once, a Red Cross nurse slapped her hand on my forehead as though to take my temperature and said, "Wait. You mean you seek out conflict for a living? Honey, that is just weird." I have an insatiable curiosity about the human condition and the dance of conflict. The Disagree Better Project is a place where I can hear from you, raise questions and doubts with you, and learn about your experience and insights. I hope it will feel like the kind of place where we can sit down over coffee together or go take a stroll side by side.

Why the Disagree Better Project?

Ask my husband, who had to put up with me for weeks while I deliberated on name options. Institute. Center. Lab. And so forth. His ears were very worn out.

I landed on the Disagree Better Project because "project" implies an undertaking we have to work on a little bit, a journey we embark on to get somewhere we want to be. "Project" can signal a collaborative effort we approach together. It can also be a private pursuit. And unlike "institute" and similar names, "project" doesn't position me as all-knowing; it positions me as a co-explorer, which is the way I prefer to think about teaching and learning. And conflict.

I hope you’ll join us and help build a positive ripple effect in our families, our friendships and our workplaces.