To listen better, get into their movie
Listening is an essential conflict resolution skill, but it's hard to do when we're at odds with someone. This little trick of the mind can help.
It’s Friday night, and you’re streaming one of the Star Wars films with friends. You settle into your comfy sofa, a bowl of popcorn nearby, and the movie begins.
Chewbacca appears on the screen.
Oh, good grief, you say to your friends. There’s no such thing as a Wookiee! What a ridiculous thing to expect us to believe.
You don’t do that, of course. You suspend your disbelief so that you can appreciate the movie and have a good time with friends.
Suspending disbelief isn’t just useful for movie-watching. It’s useful during conflict, too.
Listening is considered an essential conflict resolution skill and habit because when we listen well, we learn and notice things vital to finding a path forward together. But deep and focused listening is hard when a disagreement feels raw and difficult.
That’s when a little trick of the mind can help. Rebecca Shafir, author of The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction, coined the term “get into their movie” for moments like these.
If we approach a listening opportunity with the same self-abandonment as we do at the movies, think of how much more we stand to gain from those encounters.
Rebecca Shafir
When we get into their movie, we are briefly suspending our disbelief. When we notice we’re struggling to listen well, we can silently remind ourselves to “get into their movie.”
The beauty of suspending our disbelief is that we’re not requiring ourselves to adopt their view. We’re just stepping into their movie for a little while. We’re instructing our mind to listen without judgment for a few minutes. We can decide later what, if any, of their movie helps bridge the gap between us.
As with adopting any new habit or trying out a new idea, practice in low-stakes situations to be better able to do it under stress. Practice at the dinner table when you can’t for the life of you understand why your teen thinks the way they do. Say to yourself, “Get into her movie.” Practice over the phone when your mother-in-law tells you why you should vote for her favorite political candidate (the one you dislike). Get into her movie. Practice at the conference table when a colleague who mystifies you is going on about something that makes you want to roll your eyes. Get into their movie.
Try this, too: Share the phrase with others, then use it as a shorthand reminder to both or all of you to try listening better when discussions hit a rough patch.
Over to you
Journal, conversation, or comment prompts:
Where can you practice getting into someone’s movie? Whose movie will it be?
What gets in your way when trying to temporarily suspend your disbelief about their differing point of view?
What can you do to keep those things from getting in your way?