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Years ago, one of the mediation graduate students in my Interpersonal Conflict class discovered a nagging problem. While he was successfully applying class practices and theories to handle conflict better at home, his family sometimes felt thrown off balance because he wasn’t the Jay they expected when disagreement arose. They had to adjust their own responses, which left them unsettled too.
But more often, they simply didn’t notice when he handled something well. Instead of supporting his progress, they seemed oblivious to the improvements. Worse, they seemed to notice every instance when he didn’t handle things as well as he’d hoped.
To Jay, this felt deeply unfair—no credit for the good, but called out for every not-so-good moment.
What, Jay asked could he say when they only noticed his mistakes?