Can this single ingredient shield a relationship from conflict’s aftershocks?

Conflict can be detrimental to relationships, but it doesn’t have to be. What makes the difference?

My husband and I tend to approach house projects from quite different directions. He likes to get a detailed picture of what we need to do from start to finish before we begin, when a general idea of the project is good enough for me. I am impatient to get started and figure things out as we go.

On good days, our styles complement each other well. I step in to prevent him from overthinking and planning excessively, while he’s there to figure out why a part is left after I’ve assembled something complicated.

On bad days, we bicker. How best to pack the car for a long trip? Bicker. Replace the tricky dryer vent hose setup that the appliance delivery guys managed to crush? Bicker. Figure out why the brand new generator coughs and dies when we flip the transfer switch? Bicker. We once even managed to bicker about bickering.

The other day we were bickering when two arborists arrived to plan the positioning of a crane for some high-over-the-house limb work. We didn’t know they were here until I heard them talking outside the living room windows. Surely they overheard our bickerfest.

Did they think, uh oh, that marriage has problems?

Conflict can damage a relationship. We know this from tragic experience and there’s ample research to confirm it. So why do some relationships survive conflict quakes and aftershocks — and even grow stronger because of them?

One factor seems to play a crucial role in protecting a relationship from the negative effects of conflict: How well we think the other person “gets” us.

The power of feeling understood

Feeling understood fulfills our fundamental human need to be seen in ways that align with how we see ourselves. It also fulfills our sense of belonging and connection with others who genuinely value and accept us for who we are.

Research published this year pointed out that feeling understood is a powerful experience in a romantic relationship or friendship, an experience that’s quite distinct from feeling cared for:

When individuals feel understood by a close other, they feel as though the world and themselves make more sense.

EMILIE AUGER, SABRINA THAI, CAROLYN BIRNIE-PORTER & JOHN LYDON

Research I first wrote about in 2018 found that feeling understood in a romantic relationship makes conflict less damaging to the relationship and can transform conflict into something actually beneficial to the relationship.

Said the researchers, “We found that participants were no less satisfied with their relationships after recalling or experiencing a conflict in which they felt understood compared to if they had had no conflict at all…Relationships characterized by more frequent and severe conflict were not any less satisfying than relationships characterized by little conflict among people who felt more understood by their partners.”

They concluded that when partners are able to express their point of view and feel heard and cared about, conflicts don’t hurt the relationship and offer an opportunity to build greater intimacy.

When we feel the other “gets” us, we can recover better from conflict, experience less debris in conflict’s wake, and are more likely to view conflict as a healthy part of a normal relationship, even when we don’t resolve the conflict itself.

My husband gets me. He has demonstrated this in big and little ways every day for more than three decades. I like to think I get him. On the wall above his desk, he keeps this quote:

We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on this planet. I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.”

“BEVERLY CLARK,” PLAYED BY SUSAN SARANDON

Can my husband and I just bicker away, blithely certain we're protected from all ill effects of bickering just because we generally feel understood by the other? Of course not. Less bickering is a good thing and neither of us thinks otherwise. But when we do trip up and launch a bickerfest, we don't add to the torment by concluding it’s a signal the relationship is in trouble. We try not to give conflict more than its due.

How to use these ideas

So how can you use this information to mitigate the impact of conflict’s aftershocks in your own relationships at home and work?

Begin with what you do outside of difficult interactions. Do they think you get them? Are you seeing who they are as they wish to be seen? The need to feel understood doesn’t begin with a conflict and neither should your attempt to demonstrate your interest. When they feel you “get them” in everyday situations you are building a strong foundation that can better withstand aftershocks. This is the single best use of the information I've shared.

Then, during arguments, make liberal use of these habits:

• Don’t conflate acknowledgement and agreement. Sometimes I see clients stubbornly refusing to acknowledge a partner’s feelings or point of view because they fear it shows weakness or conveys they agree. What a shame, a missed opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

• Convey your understanding. Understanding isn’t just something you do in your head or your heart — it’s also something you do with your words. “I understand” and “I hear you” are overused and add no value. Instead, express your understanding in your own words. Rinse and repeat until they tell you that you understand correctly.

• Rethink “having the last word.” When you open your mouth to have the last word, remember that the kind of last word you have may make the difference between helping and hurting the relationship. If you’ve got to have the last word, try to make it one that conveys you “get” them.

• Don’t make this a quid pro quo situation. If you’ve sold yourself on the story that they never try to understand you and so don’t deserve your effort, reconsider your stuck story and reflexive loop. The stories we tell ourselves trick us into all sorts of poor decisions.

Over to you

Here are some reflection / journaling / conversation / comment prompts to help you bridge the gap between reading and doing:

• Think of someone who really “gets” you. What do they get about you? How do you know (what do they say or do that tells you)?

• Think of someone you want (romantic partner, friend, family member) or need (coworker) to have a stronger relationship with. Do you really get them? Would they say you get them?

• What do you think about the idea that recurring conflict in a relationship is not a signal of a failing relationship — and that conflict can even strengthen it. Is there anything in this idea that you’re skeptical of? Why?

• If you were to do one thing differently in your vital relationships to “get” those people better, what would you do?

As always, if you’re moved to share some of your thoughts, I welcome them whether you agree or disagree. 🤗