I’m asked this question a lot when I’m speaking to an audience, or teaching a class or seminar.
I used to resist suggesting how to say something because words I use might sound contrived coming from someone else. We all have our own styles. But over the years, I’ve come to understand that part of learning to disagree better is developing the vocabulary for it.
So I’ve created the Vocab(ulary) Lab, an exclusive benefit for paid subscribers.
I’ll share my favorite questions and vocabulary for disagreeing better and invite you to share yours. It’s also a place for guidance in figuring out how you want to say something — raise an issue, make an apology, ask a question, offer feedback, and so on.
What vocabulary and language guidance would you like to see covered?
Hi Tammy and thanks for this forum! An area I find tricky is in personal relationships where friends/family make declarative opinions about things that I don't agree with but don't seem worth "arguing" over ie they are not saying anything objectively wrong or offensive such that of course I would speak up. Staying silent, though, on matters such as what's most important to do in "retirement" or how to have good relationships with adult children after awhile feels not fully authentic. I am never sure how to balance showing empathy with their views and honouring my own.
Hi, Jean! These kinds of situations are tricky, aren't they. Imagine the three of us were in the room together and that you were to say to me what you wanted her to understand (she's right there of course, but you're telling me). Pick any of the scenarios. What might you say?
I love this! I want to shout out for how helpful it is to hear actual examples of the words you might use to say things. I think it’s a bit like new food, perhaps from a different culture - you can’t imagine what it will taste like, you have to actually taste it. It can create a really luminous shift in understanding to hear a concrete illustration of reframing, in my experience. I am hugely grateful for examples.
Hi Tammy and thanks for this forum! An area I find tricky is in personal relationships where friends/family make declarative opinions about things that I don't agree with but don't seem worth "arguing" over ie they are not saying anything objectively wrong or offensive such that of course I would speak up. Staying silent, though, on matters such as what's most important to do in "retirement" or how to have good relationships with adult children after awhile feels not fully authentic. I am never sure how to balance showing empathy with their views and honouring my own.
Hi, Jean! These kinds of situations are tricky, aren't they. Imagine the three of us were in the room together and that you were to say to me what you wanted her to understand (she's right there of course, but you're telling me). Pick any of the scenarios. What might you say?
Thanks Tammy and this is a great idea! The wording that you shared that we love is, 'I'm noticing . . . and I'm wondering . . .'
Really looking forward to other ideas and vocabulary:)
Oh, this is one of my favorites! I use it all the time. For others reading this, Trish's comment references a past article of mine: https://tammylenski.com/how-to-confront-someone-without-being-confrontational/
Thanks Tammy - yes, I really love this. Helps to stop being hooked
I love this! I want to shout out for how helpful it is to hear actual examples of the words you might use to say things. I think it’s a bit like new food, perhaps from a different culture - you can’t imagine what it will taste like, you have to actually taste it. It can create a really luminous shift in understanding to hear a concrete illustration of reframing, in my experience. I am hugely grateful for examples.
That's great to hear, Olivia!