Your posts are fascinating! I wish I had known of them so much earlier in my career.
I've had a few experiences with people raising their voices, however, I would like to have your feedback on one specific situation.
First, let me give you some context about me. I'm Brazilian and married my English boyfriend, so came to live and work in the UK, in IT, over 20 years ago.
In my second job here, I came across an IT Director that, once, he called my manager and I for a chat. He started "yelling" in an open door office, so all others could hear. He was complaining about my "perceived" behaviour in a visit to a supplier. All made up story, but the real point I'm trying to think is on how I would have handled this better, not just being shocked and not saying anything. My manager then, also didn't say a word.
It seemed at the time, the IT Director wanted to get rid of all the women in our small team.
In the end, I left as I couldn't stand what he was doing and what my manager wasn't doing...
Hi, Christianne -- Well that sounds like it was awful! I have some thoughts, but before I put them out there, let me ask you: Now, with the grace of time and distance, what do you think you would say if you could rewind time and bring your current self into the conversation?
First, let me say that a delayed response is not always a bad thing. For some, it's a good skill to be able to press our internal pause button :)
Good thinking on avoiding phrases like "calm down." That one's almost a guarantee of increasing volatility.
Two things stood out for me in what you wrote first and second, and I wonder if those are the reasons this incident has remained in your memory so firmly:
First, that the IT director handled this in a way others were sure to hear (I'm referencing the "open door office"). This makes it even harder to reply, because now you've got an audience listening.
Second, that your manager said nothing in response. This adds to the performance aspect you already faced, because his silence could be seen as tacit agreement (or at least, not disagreement) with the IT director. His silence also left you unsure of his take, making it even harder to figure out what to say.
If my assumptions are correct, then it makes sense to buy a little time to think, get your feet back under you, and even have a private conversation with your manager, in order to better understand his silence.
One way to put it might be, "I'd really like to digest what you said and think through what I'll do in the future. Can we return to this in a little while?"
Note that "what I'll do in the future" might be no different than what you had done. You're not saying you're going to change anything, just that you're going to think about it. And when you return to the conversation, you may be able to engineer a better time and place, better participation by your manager, and have some notes to help you remember what you want to say when you're under stress.
Apologies for not replying earlier as I don't get notifications of replies.
Interesting you said that it wasn't a bad idea not to respond immediately. I always thought that this didn't seem to be the best way to deal with people like that.
This situation has remained in my memory, even after all this time, because of two aspects: it was the first time I felt prejudice against women/me and, second, it was the first time I was made redundant.
Indeed, my manager at the time agreed/accepted what the director was doing (I think it was for fear of his own job as he wasn't initially like this). This was confirmed in another meeting where my manager, this time with a "normal" voice, explained the situation that was reported by the supplier. It was all a big lie, excuse to get rid of me. That hurt. Never had seen this before.
From that point, I learned, what you also mentioned, to make notes of every conversation/meeting/email. This helped me calm down and feel prepared for any future confrontation.
I'd love to use your phrases in a future situation and wondering how can I practice this so that I don't get caught by surprise and don't say anything, or worse, escalate the discussion.
I don't think you can prevent yourself from being caught by surprise. We can't predict what others are going to do or say.
Confronting can feel hard for a lot of reasons. It can feel like our feet have been swept out from under us, making it hard to think straight and formulate a reply we can feel good about.
I usually recommend that people do two things:
1 - Have a stock phrase they can use whenever they're flustered, something that will fill the blank moment while they get their feet back under them. Something like, "Hmmm, let me think a moment" or "Well, that came out of left field at me!"
2 - Practice in low-stakes situations. We get better at doing things when the stakes are high by practicing when the stakes are low.
Hi Tammy,
Your posts are fascinating! I wish I had known of them so much earlier in my career.
I've had a few experiences with people raising their voices, however, I would like to have your feedback on one specific situation.
First, let me give you some context about me. I'm Brazilian and married my English boyfriend, so came to live and work in the UK, in IT, over 20 years ago.
In my second job here, I came across an IT Director that, once, he called my manager and I for a chat. He started "yelling" in an open door office, so all others could hear. He was complaining about my "perceived" behaviour in a visit to a supplier. All made up story, but the real point I'm trying to think is on how I would have handled this better, not just being shocked and not saying anything. My manager then, also didn't say a word.
It seemed at the time, the IT Director wanted to get rid of all the women in our small team.
In the end, I left as I couldn't stand what he was doing and what my manager wasn't doing...
Any comments please?
Hi, Christianne -- Well that sounds like it was awful! I have some thoughts, but before I put them out there, let me ask you: Now, with the grace of time and distance, what do you think you would say if you could rewind time and bring your current self into the conversation?
Unfortunately my "reactions" or feedback are usually delayed...
Thinking back, I would have loved to ask him if I could leave the room and come back another time when events could be clarified, at least for me.
Learned that we can never say, calm down....
Also shocked by my manager not saying a word, either because he didn't want to or didn't know what to say.
First, let me say that a delayed response is not always a bad thing. For some, it's a good skill to be able to press our internal pause button :)
Good thinking on avoiding phrases like "calm down." That one's almost a guarantee of increasing volatility.
Two things stood out for me in what you wrote first and second, and I wonder if those are the reasons this incident has remained in your memory so firmly:
First, that the IT director handled this in a way others were sure to hear (I'm referencing the "open door office"). This makes it even harder to reply, because now you've got an audience listening.
Second, that your manager said nothing in response. This adds to the performance aspect you already faced, because his silence could be seen as tacit agreement (or at least, not disagreement) with the IT director. His silence also left you unsure of his take, making it even harder to figure out what to say.
If my assumptions are correct, then it makes sense to buy a little time to think, get your feet back under you, and even have a private conversation with your manager, in order to better understand his silence.
One way to put it might be, "I'd really like to digest what you said and think through what I'll do in the future. Can we return to this in a little while?"
Note that "what I'll do in the future" might be no different than what you had done. You're not saying you're going to change anything, just that you're going to think about it. And when you return to the conversation, you may be able to engineer a better time and place, better participation by your manager, and have some notes to help you remember what you want to say when you're under stress.
How might you say it? Do my musings help?
Hi Tammy,
Apologies for not replying earlier as I don't get notifications of replies.
Interesting you said that it wasn't a bad idea not to respond immediately. I always thought that this didn't seem to be the best way to deal with people like that.
This situation has remained in my memory, even after all this time, because of two aspects: it was the first time I felt prejudice against women/me and, second, it was the first time I was made redundant.
Indeed, my manager at the time agreed/accepted what the director was doing (I think it was for fear of his own job as he wasn't initially like this). This was confirmed in another meeting where my manager, this time with a "normal" voice, explained the situation that was reported by the supplier. It was all a big lie, excuse to get rid of me. That hurt. Never had seen this before.
From that point, I learned, what you also mentioned, to make notes of every conversation/meeting/email. This helped me calm down and feel prepared for any future confrontation.
I'd love to use your phrases in a future situation and wondering how can I practice this so that I don't get caught by surprise and don't say anything, or worse, escalate the discussion.
Any suggestions?
Thanks!
I don't think you can prevent yourself from being caught by surprise. We can't predict what others are going to do or say.
Confronting can feel hard for a lot of reasons. It can feel like our feet have been swept out from under us, making it hard to think straight and formulate a reply we can feel good about.
I usually recommend that people do two things:
1 - Have a stock phrase they can use whenever they're flustered, something that will fill the blank moment while they get their feet back under them. Something like, "Hmmm, let me think a moment" or "Well, that came out of left field at me!"
2 - Practice in low-stakes situations. We get better at doing things when the stakes are high by practicing when the stakes are low.
Love this - thanks so much as always Tammy for sharing your wisdom and practical tools that help to make the world a better place.